Spotlight: Oslo Bakeries

Baker Hansen: fine loaves and finer women

Life can be tough, and sometimes the Spy feels that its burden lies heavy upon his shoulders. For instance, he is currently surrounded by a veritable bevvy of blonde, buxom beauties, with legs up to their ears (not literally of course, as this would be disturbing rather than titilating, rather like the dog-headed men and one-legged monsters on a medieval map). He is also surrounded by delicious baked products, and if he fancies a change of scene, in the course of a two minute walk down the road, he will pass at least five other top-notch bakeries, all boasting stunning interior design and free coffee refills.

Is the Spy in heaven, I hear you ask? Did he finally meet his match, perishing in a cliff-top tussle to the death with his arch-enemy Moriaty, a fluffy yet rabidly bloodthirsty white cat called Tiddles and a deadly umbrella stand full of ricin-tipped waterproof devices? Indeed no, for faced with such a situation, the Spy would merely grab an umbrella and vault over the aforementioned arch-enemy, stuffing a Petrou Brothers' large haddock into his dastardly underpants on the way, thereby causing Tiddles to attack said dastardly nether-regions with furious and fundamentally fatal feline feroicity. No, the Spy is simply abroad once again, this time working in Oslo, the city to which his heart will always belong.

Noble soldiers marching outside the Slott. The Spy was disappointed to discover they were rather weedy in the flesh, a Bluebottle boy-scout division perhaps? (L). Piles of noble snow still melting despite the sun (R).

Fear not gentle reader, he will be back in the fens soon, and will not visit you with a million non-bog-related posts from this fjord-ridden and mountainous terrain of rapey, pillagey Vikings past and flaxen-haired, socially forward-looking giants present. However, a couple of points must be addressed. Most importantly, the bakeries. By Odin, the bakeries. As the Spy takes his morning constitutional up Bogstadveien from the Royal Park (see pictures above) up towards Viglelandsparken (home to more stone sculptures than the White Witch's winter palace, only more Nordically liberal nakedness; see pictures below), he passes no less than 6 bakeries, all with their own unique style and clientèle. A short summary is called for...

Behold the phallic might of the Vigeland sculptures. The gentle, innocent Spy nearly fainted clean away.

1. Åpent Bakeri: classy, beautiful, posh, delicious muesli bread. 

Bread bread bread...

2. Godt Brød: ecological, delicious, best for making up sandwiches.

Godt brød and its spring flowers.

3. Baker Brun: yummy, but probably the weak link in the chain. Not to beconfused with Baker Brun in Bergen, home to the seeded bread of the Spy's dreams.)

 

Said dreamy seeded Bergen bread #1 and #2. Yes, the Spy really does take pictures of his bread at every available opportunity. What of it?

4. Baker Hansen (x2, the one further up the hill on the left is best): Scandinavian chic, lovely lamps, best scones. 

Baker Hansen: classy chic and the best scones on the block.

5. United Bakeries: very classy, amazing decor in all their branches (see here for a short and delicious film on the subject).

United Bakeries on Valkyriegata, with its walls covered in coffee grinders.

 

The branch on Slemdalsveien, with a tiled floor much coveted by the Spy.

And the same bakery from the outside: where else would you find Viking snakes over the door?

Dont ask the Spy to choose between them (ok you twisted his arm, Baker Hansen for scones and brunost sandwiches, United Bakeries for decor and bread, Godt Brød for lunchtime sandwiches and Åpent Bakeri for muesli-bread). There's a time and a place for each, which is why they all seem to be doing a roaring trade, despite their proximity to each other. Anyway, the Spy must brush off the bread crumbs and return to work before his enemies discover him, covered in flour and locked in a passionate embrace with a magnificently breast-plated Valkyrie...

What better place to consume your bakery-pillaged spoils than on the top of Ekeberg park, looking out onto Oslo (just to the right) and its collection of islands?